Stop the presses! Another celebrity “sex tape” has been leaked to the Internets! This time it’s with Z-lister Carmen Electra, some random foreign chick, and some bro-tastic muldoon filming the snooze inducing proceedings. Even by the normally lousy celebrity sex tape standards, this vid is amazingly lame.It’s an obviously staged interlude completely devoid of anything approaching sexy. The silicone sister, prances around with a bottle of champagne, gives the foreign chick a couple of tongue-less kisses, and unzips the guy’s fly. The last shot implies that she’s on top of him, but it’s like 2 seconds and kind of reminds me of the last shot in “The Blair Witch Project.” It made me wonder.
Why don’t celebrities know how to f**k? It’s an interesting conundrum. After all, they’re an attractive bunch, fit and toned from endless hours of personal training and plastic surgery. In addition, they’re spoon-fed the finest fare by high priced personal chefs and nutritionists. Why is it, then, that watching these dopes go at it is about as fun as watching water condense on a window pane? Think about it.Kardashian, Hilton, that Noxema chick, Fred Durst, Jenna Lewis, Shauna Sands.these people just don’t know how to do it!
(Now I know some of you think that the Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson tape was pretty good, but I disagree. Forty minutes of watching Tommy Lee mince like a cutesy douche is not my idea of tittilation.) Personally, I think they’re so caught up in themselves that they’ve never learned how to relate to anyone else in a truly uninhibited, animalistic fashion. I mean, even the nude shots from celebu-twits like Rihanna, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Greene (NSFW) are so generic and tame. Where’s the spread eagled shit? Where’s the dildos, vibrating eggs, bendy, twisty shit? All we ever see are mundane cell phone shots taken in a lonely hotel mirror.
Personally I’m holding out hope for the Carrie Prejean tapes. You just know this girl is a freak. It’s always the religious conservative types that are the wildest behind closed doors. Apparently she’s really into self love, as she sent some dude she met on Facebook seven videos diddling herself. This is what I’m talking about! No staged antics, no wooden (or wood-less rather) encounters, just a wacky, horny, wing-nut in heat, doing what wacky, horny, wing-nuts in heat do best!
Branwyn Lancourt is an “ex-semi-rockstar has-been”, with a penchant for saddle shoes, misanthropy and fried pork rinds. His personal heroes include Reggie Jackson, Elvis Costello and the original Darrin from Bewitched. Feel free to join his forum The Lifeboard where he’s usually hangin’ out discussing the news of the day. You can also friend him on Facebook, if you’re into that sort of thing.